179 days to Antarctica..."Better" Screaming Jets

Approximately 13 minutes reading time




“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” – Dale Carnegie


Hello, I hope that you’ve had a good week.

Well, I can’t believe how quickly the weeks fly by and how much happens.

As I opened the front door today I was greeted with a steamy breath of warmth that was a sheer delight and a most welcome surprise. The light that filled me and our home was bright, unfiltered and most wonderful and joyful. It brought a joy to my heart and filled me with more hope and anticipation of joys that would venture into our lives. Without a doubt the most wonderful way to start a day. My favourite time of year, that time which lives between the Seasons, the place where Magic and Heaven live, is longer than normal this year. I am both glad and grateful beyond imaging for this glorious gift. I have needed it after this tough and grueling week. This makes me glad to be alive.

I awoke late the last couple of days and have not slept. My first task every day is to open the curtains and doors of the house to allow sunshine and light to filter through it and us, to bring us warmth and joy. Fresh air is also critical to me and it helps clear the energy in the house as well, which is always a welcome bonus. 

This week has been incredibly eventful and challenging both physically and emotionally, mostly emotionally in the best and worst ways.

My new home is progressing and the new roof is mostly complete and it is beautiful. I am so happy with my colour choice. The beauty of the Colorbond roof in Woodland Grey has surpassed my expectations. When deciding on a colour I wanted it to fit in with the natural surrounds of the country, the forests, the bush. I chose Woodland Grey to ground the house in its environment and because it is a big house to camouflage its footprint. Woodland Grey is a lovely grey green colour which changes in the light becoming more green and more blue which keeps it interesting and this is important to me. I did not want a dull, uninspiring colour and I did not want it to evoke the sense of a Government Building or Institution. Schrodie and I delighted in what we saw when we went to check the job before paying the almost one hundred thousand dollar bill. Upon seeing the incomplete roof lines I informed the builder and explained that I would pay upon completion as per our contract. My query to the builder was the colour of the roof as I wondered if they had used Windspray which is lighter, with the same effects and the colour I had chosen for the cladding on the house and roof. I hoped that my concern was caused by a trick of the light. The bricks were on site as was the empty water tank. It had already been over a week since I refused to pay for water as it was a cost not specified in my contract. I find it appalling and ludicrous that a builder can charge exorbitant costs to build a house and expect extra money for supplying water which is a basic material and requirement needed for the job. From the first conversation Masterton were aware that this a Bushfire rebuild and that there were no amenities or water on site. They knew that I was on tank water. After a week, the Site Supervisor confirmed that the colour of the roof is in fact Woodland Grey and that the roof is unfinished but expected to be so this week. He told me that he would need to take the water issue to Management if I disputed the cost. I thanked him for his communication, requested an update and photos when the roof is complete so that I can make my payment. I doubt he will send photos. I was relieved for him that the roof colour was in fact correct as I was sad thinking that he would lose his job if it weren’t even though the fault would be his. I urged him to take the matter of the water cost to Management as a priority. Work will not proceed until this matter is resolved. 

My priority is my home being completed so that Schrodie and I, like Dorothy and Toto, can finally go home. Schrodie is so excited being back and couldn’t wait to get to the house, running under the fence and pulling on his lead whilst calling for me to join him. We went for our second daily walk as I could not refuse him and rob him off his joy. Alas for now we must wait until we have our home and property returned to us. We continue as we must, for now.

Worst case scenario, I will make an additional in protest payment as advised by Consumer Affairs. As per their advice I have course for recompense, which I will pursue. I am currently in conversations with Lawyers about redressing the wrongs I face and seeking appropriate compensation and damages. I hate that I am in this situation which was completely avoidable. If only people were decent, courteous, respectful, empathetic and honourable to each other but they are not and they need to learn that there are consequences for their actions. If you don’t teach people that you will not tolerate inexcusable and poor behaviour, particularly when it is exploitative they will continue behaving this way towards you, regardless of the type of relationship. They need to learn decency, appropriateness and respect. No excuses. No Apologies.

Lockdown has been okay as we delight in our daily walks in this glorious weather. We meet new people and dogs, engage in friendly conversations, explore new places and have fun. The days have become very hot during our long walks and soon I must start to carry water and supplies to allow safe, comfortable and pleasant walks.

Sadness has gripped me overwhelmingly this week. Lockdown is a trauma triggering memories of horrors and hurt of last years experience. Unfortunately I had an unexpected meltdown, like nothing before on Monday when a friend was visiting. I was so very deeply sad and sorry that she was party to my nightmare. Painful old wounds that live in my heart and soul were aggravated and resurfaced. These will never be out of my life but they are buried but not always deep enough. There is no regret just a soulful sadness.

Feeling unwell made this experience so much worse. My bloodshot eye, after a week is still improving. I was overcome with a feeling that my time might be nigh. I was upset that my friend had come to visit whilst having a chest infection. 

Overall, I am sick and tired of the lack of control in my own life whilst I must rely on third parties to achieve my goals.

The romantic veil of life and humanity that was a leftover symptom of the surreal and most terrible suffering and experiences since last year and everything I have lost, has finally been completely lifted. Although I struggle with confrontation because of my PTSD my innate Warrior has resurfaced and I am back to fighting the important battles that will impact the quality of my life now and in the future. Truth is I’m exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. I’m battle weary even though I’m okay.

My hour and a half appointment with the Dietician was excellent and helpful. There are so many issues and levels to address. We started with refreshers on carbohydrate counting and how to stabilize my sugars overnight. We agreed that my early morning low blood sugars are probably due to my not eating dinner or after about 4pm. Since being diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic in October 2007 I did not know that most vegetables are considered free as are proteins and don’t count towards carbs or sugar. I need to eat two portions of carbs three times a day and eat carbs before anything else. I am trying but it is so very hard to force feed myself and fight the nausea. I am using the Calorie King App to gauge the amount of carbohydrate in what I am eating as per the Dietician’s advice. He told me that I need to dress my salads, vegetables and wherever possible. He told me to eat butter and fat as I do not have a blood pressure or cholesterol problem. Also because I exercise and don’t eat much which can be perilous. My Body Mass Index (BMI) is at the lower end of healthy and I cannot afford to lose weight. BMI is the correlation between a person's height and weight to identify health and potential problems and/or issues. He told me that I need to weigh myself daily. I have never weighed myself except for the very rare occasions and at medical appointments. I gauge my weight by the fit of my clothes. My weight has always been consistent except for times of extreme and critical illness. He told me that I in fact need to gain a few kilos. I told him that I did not care about my weight and am happy with it but my focus is being healthy and getting my blood sugars stabilized completely. He gave me options including freezing food which I explained is not currently possible as the fridge/freezer where I am is too small. I explained that my friend stored my fifteen boxes (three types) of insulin in her fridge as I had no room. We agreed that my problem is largely to me being and feeling unsettled. I found my appointment very helpful. Our next appointment is scheduled for two weeks.

My friend sent me some texts the other day that were fearful about Covid, her property, possessions and mostly security. The Covid vaccine is a cause of real concern and fear. She doesn't know what to do like many of us. She had resigned herself to the fact that whatever she chooses danger and death are lurking in the near future to take her and and all of us. U.S. scaremongers in videos detailing government plots to rob and kill us all is not helpful. This is a traumatic experience that is, I feel, the new norm at the moment. I called her which is not something that I often do as texts form the majority of communications. She was very scared and believed that she would never see her loved ones again. She told me that we didn’t have choices. I told her that we do, she does and just because we don’t like them they do not become invalid. Our choices are to take the risk of having the vaccine and be allowed to join society when the world re-opens OR we don’t have the vaccine and get excluded from employment opportunities and the option to rejoin society when the majority of the population is vaccinated. Yes, I might die if I have the vaccine. Yes I might die if I catch Covid with or without the vaccine, more likely without. Yes, I choose not to have the vaccine. Is not being able to work and earn a living, to not afford a roof over my head and that of my family, to not afford food on the table because I chose not to have the vaccine better than the risk of possible reaction or death from the vaccine? For me the answer is a resounding NO. We each need to take the decision for ourselves. For me, I choose what I can live with best. If I die now, No Regrets! 

We talked about not giving into fear and giving away your power. Do this and risk losing a proper life, actually it is a certain although the time-frame is variable. If you want to live, if you want to be happy, then choose the option that will afford you this opportunity and reality. After a lengthy conversation my friend felt better as did I. What I realized was what I had always known was true, that a lack of education, without adequate skills, mentors and role models people struggle to have a fighting chance to living happily or to try to have the life they want for themselves. In such instances they become trapped in a cycle of fear, ever worsening. This will rob you of your life. It makes me sad but I remain optimistic because I know that skills can be learned in some capacity to help you make this difference in your life. I explained to her that worrying was a waste of energy and not helpful in any way. There is no crystal ball and none of us know what is coming for us or when, ever, now it's worse because of  Covid. I helped her understand that what matters most and is vital, always is to live the most and the best way possible, every, single, day. 

Despair, uncertainty, tragedy and misery are real in life but they can be tempered, always when you make the right choices and maintain and/or regain your power. The main thing is that my friend felt better after our chat and so did I.

It reminds me of a time when a friend of mine, who hated his job was sacked and feeling sorry for himself. He had nothing, no assets, no financial security. He was scared and miserable which was completely understandable. He was feeling sorry for himself and was on a downward spiral. After he expressed his feelings and reality to me. I smiled, I laughed as I looked at him and said “you’re not sad, you hated that job. You will be fine. This is possibly the best thing that could have happened to you. You are free to do what you want and find something that will make you happy. You are talented and great at what you do, you’ll be fine”. He smiled and thanked me. Soon after he found a business for sale, seemingly by chance, he agreed to a payment plan and changed his life for the better. He never looked back. I showed him the choice to not focus on fear. I showed him how to empower himself. Years later he reminded me that I was the only person who saw the possibilities and to help him find his way to the life he wanted. He is one of the best in his field and at the top of his game. This is only one such instance where people, even my hair stylist once, have told me how I have inspired them through conversation and living my life, making hard choices, to follow their dreams and have the life they really want rather than existing in drudgery. This fills my heart with gladness. 

This is what I am aiming to do on a grander scale by sharing my journey and my story with you now. To help as many people as possible have a better life and make the world a better place, insofar as I am able. This is what matters to me and makes life worthwhile. Although I falter and wonder how best to expand this platform and feel like relenting because it’s too hard, I will not surrender. I wonder if I am wasting my time and question if this is really of value, helping anyone at all. I wonder if I should stop. I will not yield. I remembered Dale Carnegie’s words although not exactly so I found reference to the quote to remind myself and share with you. When I first started this a few months ago my young nephew who was thirteen then, was stunned and amazed that I remembered quotes. He said “I just google if I need one”, we laughed.

Another friend is looking for accommodation for an elderly parent who is eighty four, so challenging. She called me for some guidance as she was feeling dejected. We chatted, I found some options within her parameters and she is much happier because she told me that I “...lifted her spirits with my positivity and help”. I barely did anything at all. This makes me happy and keeps me going.

My aim in life so far has been to avoid this reality. This is why I worked so hard and battled through the nightmarish challenges so that I would never be old, potentially homeless when I face my greatest vulnerabilities. I am glad and grateful beyond belief that I have accomplished giving myself a safe and secure future no matter how challenging it becomes later. Even though I lost absolutely everything and so many times, I almost lost my life, the provisions that I have made for myself, the hard choices that I made give me the foundation and the opportunity to restore myself and my life completely. Most importantly they give me the option of happiness and making my dreams come true.

BBC Dickensian is what I have watched this week with a range of other fare on offer. I grew up a fan of Charles Dickens. I admired him for bucking the trend of focusing on romantic, happy lives which are mostly happy works of fiction but showed life in it’s terrible, grim, raw and gritty reality with glimmers of light and joy. What reached into my soul causing its deep lament was watching Miss Haversham’s heartbreak as she howled in total abject misery and pain. I know that feeling much as I wish I didn’t and I too have been there where a part of my soul remains. Howling screams of soul felt pain. I never imagined such a thing could or would ever happen to me. I would not wish this on anyone. Truthfully I miss him, I want him back. Back in my life better than before, for us both, but not at any price. Not because I need him in any way but because I love him. I like him. He always made me inherently happy. He made me laugh. He loved me. He adored me. It was all mutual. We both knew this to be true. He was my Hero. He will always be My Hero. He's important to me, he earned that place and this I cannot forget. It's such a rare find in this life and world. I never wanted anything from him. This is also unchanged. Despite everything my feelings remain unchanged, for better or worse and not through conscious action and choices. As he kept reminding I have many friends and I always have men in my life but they aren’t him, flawed as he is and as we are all, despite everything. I know that whatever happens I am okay and I will continue to have a great and happy life. I know that I too had a part to play, even if it was reactive. I have no regrets and I have done everything within my power not compromising my dignity, my self-respect or my self-esteem to save and restore this cherished relationship. The memory of him and what happened between us makes me sad, that is all. I know I can do no more but I want him back. Perhaps it’s just my vulnerability. We’ll see what the Universe brings. So far, the attention and affection of other men does not really inspire me but he never inspired me in any way until he charged into my life wanting to be My Hero and succeeding until he ran away. That affected me in a way that I didn’t expect as did watching Miss Haversham succumb to her misery. Life is full of surprises, who knows what's coming my way or yours?!

Every day I am happy to have love, joy and laughter in my life, especially now during Covid. 

I’m having an avocado and spinach wholegrain sandwich with a cup of tea. Wholegrain bread is one of my favourites and as it happens so often for me, is one of the best for my carbohydrate (carb) counting. My overnight hypos are lessening so it looks like this process is a good one and I am winning.

Johnny my guitar and I are enjoying our daily time together. I am pushing through the ulnar nerve pain which I am experiencing in both my left and right arms and hands. I am optimistic that this situation is temporary. Happily, I have finally managed to hold and strum the C major chord, although not easily by any stretch of the imagination. Pun intended. 

There’s a storm brewing outside. These are the main events of focus this week. Thanks for your company. I hope you feel a bit better, a bit more inspired and a bit happier than when you arrived. That’s if from me for another week. I hope that you enjoy this week’s Australian Rock song. This is a Live at the Metro recording. I used to love the Metro and seeing like music there and anywhere else, whenever possible. This is a cover and great. I read somewhere the other day that this is the single most requested song on 2MMM, a local national radio station, across the country. Happily the Sydney Metro is still a live music venue. It was always a great place, one of my favourites, to see live music in Sydney. I'm so glad that these venues still exist. Screaming Jets were a great band to see live. If you ever get the chance to see them, it is worthwhile and good fun.

May you find something of interest, of value, something inspiring in my other posts and pages. Please let me know if there is anything specific you would like me to address in a future post by leaving a comment or email. Feel free to refer anyone here for anything that you believe or feel will help, assuage or inspire another.

Take care, stay safe, happy and well.

See you next Sunday for my weekly post, with pages posted on Wednesday and Friday.

Bye for now,

Watch this space...




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