235 days to Antarctica - "Stronger" - Kelly Clarkson




“The highest levels of performance come to people who are centered, intuitive, creative, and reflective - people who know to see a problem as an opportunity.” - Deepak Chopra


I’m very proud to have been chosen by Feedspot as 44 in their 45 Best Trauma Blogs to follow in 2021. For a new blogger with no social media presence or previous blogging experience, I’m delighted. As Feedspot is a global business built around collating and ranking Blogs, this is an unexpected and most welcome win. The comment I received from Feedspot founder Anuj was “You have an impressive blog with high quality and useful content.”

Schrodie went to his first meditation with me this week. It was good for us both. Everyone loved him and he liked them all, especially Honour and Lucky his new friends. They are beautiful Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. Honour is a rescue dog, who has happily found a loving home after losing her mummy to illness. Schrodie talked to everyone, played, investigated the flickering candles beside everyone. Animals too, suffer trauma and can overcome it with attention, love, tenderness and care. Most of all I think Schrodie was confused about the quiet. How could there be five women and one man all in one room with two dogs and it be so quiet? Our experience is always lots of noise. It was good for Schrodie and me. He is welcome back and will be having play dates with his new friends.

On Tuesday after our walk, as we were almost home, Schrodie stopped to sniff on the street. There had previously been rubbish, McDonalds rubbish in this spot for a few days. This day there was nothing but smells. Suddenly I realised that Schrodie had something in his mouth. I put my fingers in his mouth to extract the object. My clumsy fingers were of no help or use at this moment, which was heartbreaking. In his mouth was something very hard, possibly a piece of blue metal. Next thing I knew it was in his throat and gone. I panicked. It’s was too much for me. We went home. I watch him like a hawk. On Thursday I rang the vet for his guidance. Schrodie seemed fine but had not yet passed the object the vet seemed non-plussed and said to monitor him. So far, so good. I am praying that nature takes it’s course and he passes the object and easily. My concern is that I don’t know what it was or why he did this thing, it is so unlike him. I believe that his behaviour is a result of stress. So meditation was important and beneficial to help him with his recovery. He is lying next to me now and I can hear his tummy gurgling. Sometimes I am uncertain if it is his belly or mine.

His friend Casper is coming to stay for a couple of days and is expected imminently. Then we will go for our walk. It’s only 8degrees Celsius and sunny with a really cold wind. The winds have been ferocious and freezing, cutting through my flesh with icy fingers. We are warm and cosy inside. Schrodie has been wearing his jumper and when he goes outside in the evening and early morning, his coat as the temperatures are around zero degrees. We have had plenty of rain.

Johnny, my guitar, and I are playing Tom Petty’s “I won’t back down” which delighted me when my guitar teacher, told me and showed me how to play the chorus. I love this song. We are loving our time together. My fingers are struggling with some of the chords, especially during finger plucking. These are exercises to build up the specialised tiny muscles in my hands. I am obsessive when it comes to doing things properly and getting them right. I can play everything I need to and am remembering the chords which makes me very happy. I hear my mother “practice makes perfect” and I am improving every day. This keeps me going when I get frustrated at making a mistake or struggle getting my fingers in the right position. I know that my fingers and hands are getting stronger. My teacher tells me that as my muscle memory improves, this will also make it easier for me to play more easily. I think my teacher has been surprised, as have I, that I can play all the chords and music without problems. I’m just slow but speed will improve with confidence. The relationship is directly proportional as in science and mathematics formulas. I really enjoy my guitar lessons and my daily time with Johnny so I will be continuing my lessons next term. This is important for my hand therapy, mental health and for fun. These far exceed the concerns about cost as the cost is definitely worthwhile.

Today I have prepared an easy, nutritious, simple Moussaka cooked on the stove in a pot. It’s a delicious combination of potatoes, minced beef, cabbage and tomato paste, making it hearty, rich and warming with little fat content. It smells wonderful. I cannot wait to enjoy it after our walk. Casper has just arrived. The boys are sitting next to me after playing and excitedly greeting each other.

My exercises are taking up more time each day as I build my strength. My shoulder hurts. It’s nerve, muscle and heartache. It doesn’t stop me. My knee has also been hurting me so I will need to speak with my physiotherapist about more exercises to build up my strength. I was talking to a man I know and he asked me about my hands. He shared that his left hand had been reconstructed after a motorcycle accident. I showed him my hand and he traced the inside of my palm with his fingers. It was okay, I like him and he has good energy. I was surprised but not concerned by the intimacy of this action. Best of all I could feel his touch. Over the last few months and weeks he has told me that he is not a cheat, he is loyal, caring, nurturing and consistent. I am surprised that I like him as he is not my physical type. I believe he is a grounded, secure, solid, steadfast, safe, mature and reliable man. He is a real and proper man. There are loads of guys in the world and much fewer men. Guys don’t interest me. These are very important character traits, to me. I told him how I had been trapped in my pants (trousers) last week when my hands had been weaker. We laughed and he asked if I could phone a friend. I said I didn’t consider it and continued fighting with my button to undo my pants, when he asked me how I got out of them. Next time I might phone a hot, sexy, male to help me get out of my pants. I couldn’t stop laughing, thinking about the call “hi, I’m stuck in my pants, can you come over and help me get out of my pants?” He may have been volunteering, hmmm. Too funny. We laugh a lot together. It was fun to be able to flirt and not feel like I needed to be guarded or hold back. There was no confusion or discomfort, it was completely natural albeit surprising. It was fun and refreshing. I was back in my natural state. I was and am relieved and grateful.

My house frame is next to go up, I am anticipating the delivery over the next couple of weeks. I’m not pushing on the frame going up as I want the concrete slab to have enough time to cure. As yet, I have not ventured to my property to see the slab. Covid lock-downs might cause delays with the build. The build has started and this is the most important consideration and I will trust in the process and The Fates. I’m excited, happy, nervous and scared as it is still emotionally overwhelming to visit my property. Yesterday my friend took me to lunch to celebrate my slab being laid and my house build being underway. It was fabulous and I know just how lucky I am. I was grateful that I could finish my delicious meal, a beef burger on a potato brioche bun with double cooked, battered, crunchy chips. I even enjoyed a delicious, fluorescent and not overly sweet old-fashioned, lime milkshake. The weather was cold, windy but the sun was shining gloriously and this always fills my heart with joy.

Over the last month my emotions have been volatile and at times I have felt like I’m travelling through an Abyss. It was last June that my body stopped working because of all the trauma of heartbreak and the Vasculitis. Remembering everything and revisiting the experience concurrently to the present is so incredibly hard. Facing all that I have lost and fortunately gained over this last twelve months is unbelievable. It feels like I’m living in a movie. A Science Fiction Horror Film, which is endless, to be precise. It doesn’t feel real or possible that I have experienced and survived the horrors that befell me. I am relieved that these are now memories, albeit scorched into my soul and body. I am excited about the future. Every day I work incredibly hard to ‘line up my ducks’ to secure the life and future that I want. This process is constant and ongoing. 

I am grateful that I have achieved so much. Sorrow stays with me alongside joy, love and optimism. I cannot forget what has happened to me or the losses that I have suffered but I will not be trapped by them and I will not be defined by them, even though they haunt me. I have remembered Deepak Chopra and how important he has been in my life from when I first saw him interviewed about the release of his book “Ageless Body, Timeless Mind” as a sixteen year old. I have always found him inspiring and grounding in his ideas, methodologies and beliefs. He opened up my world by inspiring me in a new way, into working on myself to be the best person that I could be and have the best possible impact on the world. This is why I write this blog, as I have been told to do for the great and important benefit that I can offer others. I hope that this is true, otherwise I would never sacrifice my privacy and share my story. This journey is ongoing. I love that this man is reasonable, educated, evolved and a western doctor and trained in ancient medicine as well.

Pride fills me as I remember that I have overcome every terror that has happened to me and haunted me in this life. I have achieved every, single goal that I have wanted and set for myself so far in my life, alone and always against the odds. I have so much more that I want to achieve for myself. Without goals I would have floundered and probably died after being swamped by misery. Not an option for me. Failure is never an option for me. I have faced and overcome too much. I have suffered and lost too much. I have fought too hard to not have the life I want. I am on my way and enjoying every day with love and laughter no matter how challenging and at times, frightening, that I find each day. In the words of my Hero Jon Bon Jovi “I’ll live while I’m alive and sleep when I’m dead.”

My seven year old nephew was admitted to the hospital Intensive Care Unit (ICU) on Thursday with Bronchitis. He had been to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and was given three days of antibiotics after a couple of visits. They need a new doctor, the one they saw was useless and negligent. Poor baby was on two IV (intravenous) antibiotics for two days and now he’s home after being released last night. He is on oral antibiotics. Thankfully he is okay and recovering, getting stronger. My sister stayed in hospital with my nephew. My five year old niece went to stay with my other sister and was spoiled the entire time. Just as life is supposed to be with attention, affection, love and care.

These are some of the major things that have happened this week. It has been a long, busy, exhausting and good week. I am managing, not easily to complete the tasks required of me, for so many reasons and meeting various objectives successfully. I fight hard for this reality. I falter but I continue to fight unperturbed. I will never surrender. It’s not part of character to give up, quit or surrender, hard as this is for me. I hope that me sharing this with you is helping to inspire you to continue on your journey, wherever it may take you.

I relish and savour everything. Speaking of which my moussaka is calling me as it’s delicious smell fills and warms the cold air. We always have the doors open for a few hours throughout the day as this is important for good energy and good health. After our walk we will get comfortable and cosy.

Antarctica looms closer for me and I don’t know if I’m strong enough yet to undertake my Adventure of a Lifetime. It will be physically gruelling. I am doing everything possible to make sure that I can survive the elements, the arduous travelling, the camping on the ice and solo kayaking in those amazing, pure Antarctic waters. It will be hard work but unbelievable fun. For me this will be a dream come true as I have been in love with Antarctica and wanting to go for my whole life. I pray that the global Covid situation improves and doesn’t stop my trip.

The Covid situation has deteriorated quickly in Sydney over the last couple of weeks. Lockdowns are back in place. It’s a terrible way to live, for us all. I cancelled a Specialist appointment this week as it was in a Covid hot-spot. I have another appointment scheduled this week in the same Covid hot-spot for my treatment and am unsure if it is safe for me to attend. I will check with my Specialist tomorrow. I know a lady who lost her father to Covid in Nepal. My heart goes out to everyone suffering at this time and for those who have lost loved ones. May you never lose the light you need, especially at this darkest time.

Thanks for your company. I hope that you have a good week.

Stay happy and well.

Please ask me any questions or leave a comment on anything you like and/or would like to see in my upcoming posts.

Please feel free to share anything and everything, on my blog, especially if you believe that it will help someone.

I hope that you enjoy this post and the ones that have come before, and may my Hero’s and inspirations help, interest and/or entertain you in some way.

Have fun and take care.

Until next time.

Watch this space....


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